The Beginning

He came home on Sunday and today is Wednesday. Washington Boy came home. I’ve known Washington Boy for just over 10 years now(since the fifth grade), we were never super close. The two of us were friends and then I moved to another state and came back during our Junior year. That year we had class together and somewhat chatted. He spent most of the time napping through Pre-Calc. He failed that class, but didn’t care. He never really cared about school. He joined the Navy right after we graduated from high school.

I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. On Facebook messenger it says that it started with him telling me happy birthday months after graduation. Graduation was at the end of May and my birthday is at the end of November. I had always had a bit of a crush on him, but never really said anything. We had a lot of mutual friends when I actually attempted to communicate with people. I became a very stand-offish and isolated person in high school during senior year. I wasn’t like that at work, however.

Anyways.

Washington Boy told me happy birthday and then we just striked up a conversation. Catching up where high school left off and just kinda going with the flow.It was weird, I don’t know how it all escalated, but it did. It was at first a small very short conversation and then in February it just took a jump start. We had a nonstop conversation for about 2 or 3 months. It went everywhere, from his life when he was staying near New York, music, my reason for changing my hair, us venting, and just everyday nonsense.

He came home once before this, but I did not see him. I was going through a dumb phase and dating someone who was wrong instead of taking a leap into the unknown. There was only one other guy that it was so easy to have a conversation with like Washington Boy, we had a couple moments and then he just kinda stopped talking to me. No closure, no nothing.

I apologized to Washington Boy and explained why I didn’t. I couldn’t see him and be in a relationship with someone else. I knew it and I still know it. The Facebook conversations moved to long-night Skype calls and Snapchats, but it had to come to an end.

He was going to be deployed underwater at the end of August and I wouldn’t talk to him until he came back. I wanted to see him before he left. I was so close to buying the ticket too. He found out I smoked and the both of us overreacted to it and we went our separate ways.

In the middle of September they got a mini-vacation and he was in Hawaii. I saw that Washington Boy liked a status and I got extremely excited. Even though we weren’t on speaking terms I asked if he was back. I couldn’t help myself, I really couldn’t. He was there for 3 days and we fixed the problems.

When he finally made it back to Washington things picked up more. I wanted to see him. Things started to change and we changed our directions. We talked about being scared that the other will cheat because we are across the country and all that bullshit. We made a plan that the day he came home I would see him and get to spend time with him.

The flights got delayed because of snow and ice and he didn’t come home when planned. When he did, however, I saw him. He picked me up in a tight hug in the Tim Horton’s parking lot and twirled me around. I couldn’t have been more happy. We watched Princess Mononoke and I stayed the night. Yes, we did sleep together. I shouldn’t have because when I sleep with someone I grow a stronger attachment to them. I went into this knowing how attached I already was and I knew there was no skipping getting hurt. I’m just going to use this as a learning lesson. I know I’m not going to get what I want out of this, which is a real relationship, but this will hopefully help me grow. I’m jumping in with an open mind and open heart.

I realized that my attachment was growing when last night he asked me to go to his party tonight. I’m not a party person anymore. Around senior year I went to club, stayed out late, drank, got high and partied. It’s not my thing anymore, I’m too scared of people. I told him that I wasn’t going to go, but that I was still debating on it. He told me that he didn’t want me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with.

He did something that I wasn’t expecting. He made a compromise. Washington Boy offered for me to come over for the night or before the party because he still wanted to see me. He wanted to see me and spend time with me. I’m trying so hard to be detached from this fully, but it’s not working well. He’s being to sweet and too nice.

I even asked him if this was going to just be a sex thing. He told me that’s all it really can be since he’s home for two weeks. I cried a bit and just never responded. He then told me that it’s not like it’s all it was going to be we were going to cuddle, watch movies, etc. I was hoping for just a sex thing because it would be easier on me even though it’s not what I want. I don’t want to continuously be used. I don’t think I can do more of it.

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