One Year Maybe Challenge

I have read many blog posts about a year without dating. You don’t date, flirt, have sex any of it. It is supposed to help you get more in touch with yourself, your wants, needs and any spiritual deity you have (mainly god, but I don’t fully believe in him). I want to use it to help me build self-worth because I have really low self-worth. Okay, I have almost no self-worth.

I might try to do it once Washington Boy goes back to Washington. I want to spend time with him when he’s here. Plus, I don’t think it’s going anywhere after he leaves. The outcomes could either be: we stop talking completely, we try to do a relationship or we are just friends and that’s it. I think the latter will happen, but what do I know, I am not a fortune teller.

I do know, however, that I need to figure out myself and what I want. I have always put myself into bad relationships because I thought that was all I ever deserved, I still think that sometimes. I have always thought that my life has meant less than everyone else’s even though I knew that wasn’t the case all the time. It put me in a situation where I was sexually assaulted.

I didn’t know that’s exactly what it was until someone told me that is what it was. It wasn’t like I got raped, just my right to say no was taken away from me.

I need to figure myself out. I need to fix some of my emotional defects without doing it harmfully and relying on other things to fix them for me. That doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I would know this because it has only dug me into some deeper holes or put a bandage over a huge crack in a dam.

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