Fearful Days

I don’t always know what I want to say, in all honesty I just start typing and go from there. I use this as a journal because none of you know me and hopefully none of you really will because somethings I don’t exactly share, but I want to. It makes it easier sharing to people who I think are imaginary. That’s why I talk to my dog all the time.

Washington Boy wants me to not have a filter on around him and just be comfortable. I don’t know how to do that. With everyone, and I do mean everyone, I keep it on. I always watch myself to make sure I keep my crazy head in check. Somethings I say and think aren’t exactly the best to say outloud. That comes from the fact the I am so self-conscious and have low self-worth. It is just habit to not be me. I’m me, but just a safer version of me.

I want to not filter what I say around him, but I don’t like how insecure I am. I am trying to change that and he’s helping that. At first, I thought he might be hiding me a little, but now I know he’s not. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. I get that’s the whole purpose of life is not knowing, but I just want to know where I stand with him. I want to know where exactly we are at. I know it’s not where I want us to be. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to ask him because it might crash my false reality.

My roommate is asking me to not make this a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I don’t think that will happen. We live across the country from each other and we are both scared. We are downright scared. We are worried that the other one is going to cheat because of the distance. I’ve known a lot of military people that have cheated or have been cheated on. It’s a thing we are scared of.

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