No Sleep and a Full Heart

Happy New Year everyone! I am writing this on one hour of sleep, six shots of espresso and no brain filter. I spent my night in a whirl pool of emotions. I got to spend my New Years Eve with Washington Boy. I drank, but not like last time. I didn’t get sick. Parts of the night I wish I was wasted and just out of it, but I couldn’t do that. Don’t even ask me why not because I have no God damn clue.

The night was fine. It was a group of his friends and I knew some of them from high school. They didn’t exactly remember me because I wasn’t a social bug in high school. I knew people and could recognize them, but most of them didn’t know me. Some of the people that do remember me I’m extremely shocked. For awhile, things were fine I was having fun, until the box game. You take a pizza box and flip a coin. I don’t really know the exact rules so you might just want to google it. He landed on one when he had to tell about a sexual encounter. It was a story that I had heard before and it didn’t bother me.

His best friend’s girlfriend is best friends with one of Washington Boy’s exes. I was sitting on his lap and was talking  about her. He escalated to talking about many of his exes. I was on his lap. Someone please tell me how much sense that actually makes. A little before this one of his friends asked when did him and I started. He told her it was a premeditated thing before he came home and that since he lives in Washington we are only a thing when he is home. Fine. I just wish I wasn’t told that in front of other people and drunk. That would have been nice, but it is what it is. I knew that it was going to go about like that.

Before the ball dropped at midnight he kept making comments about right after it drops to go have sex. It wasn’t right after, more like an hour, but we went up and had sex. Afterwards, that was the worse. He was still drunk and he just played on his phone. He made me feel like I wasn’t there. I told him I couldn’t sleep and he knew I was basically just laying there.

I learned that night, that for me starting to sober up is the worse. I was getting emotional and couldn’t completely control my facial reactions and such. That’s what happened when I was laying there. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut, my thoughts to myself, and to not cry. Not crying was the worse. It was my last night with him and he didn’t exactly care. I understand now that I was being dumb, but it still hurt. He ate more, and drank water and we slept together again. After that, when he sobered up things were fine. He spent time with me. We chatted together and it was nice. I didn’t want to go to sleep, but I had to. I had work at 0600 and had to be up at 0500.

I did not want these two weeks to end. At the end of them, I knew that it might be the end of whatever was going on between the two of us. As it sits now, on January 1, 2017 at 2144 it’s looking that way. I snapchatted him before he was getting on the plan and ask how he was since I hadn’t really talked to him. He opened it two hours ago. We are not in a relationship so I should not be worrying about this, but I am. I got emotionally attached to him like a dumbass.

Before he even came home, I was already attached to him. Sadlym seeing him didn’t make it worse because it was already like this. He’s going back to Washington and I’m here in Ohio. That is probably how this story will end. Right here, right now, tonight. The beginning of one thing is also the end of another. The beginning of the new year might be the end of whatever was going on between the two of us. No worries, these wounds will heal if they even get that far. This is a part of life and I am still only a child. I am reminded that almost every single day.


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