Emotional Mess

I am currently sitting in a Tim Horton’s. I am trying to write a recap of 2016, but it’s just not working like that. All I can think about is my conversation last night. Now, I know what you’re thinking here we ago with a boy. Trust me, I think I am finally done with it. I got the answers I wanted last night. Not exactly the ones I wanted, but the ones I needed. They were the ones I kept ignoring and pretending that they weren’t my doing.

I talked to Washington Boy about his time here. We just talked and it was nice. I hate him so much. I hate that he tries to break my walls, but doesn’t want to be apart of it. I can tell he cares, or at least in my head he does. You have to remember that I am a crazy emotional girl who never actually accepts her feelings.

We talked about the fact that we really shouldn’t have seen each other when he was here. We both knew shit would get messy, but neither of us cared. I contemplated just ignoring him and not seeing him. The issue with that was I couldn’t handle the thought of him being only an hour away and not across the country. I think that might have been worse, but better in the long term. We both knew I would get attached. He didn’t know it was already too late for that. I was attached and any outcome would have sucked.

Washington Boy admitted that he took advantage of the fact that I wanted more. I am not upset with him at all because I knew that is what was going to happen. I didn’t care. I never care about my mental health. I let him use me. That’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I should have had more self control and more sense. He told me to not put the blame on myself. I’m putting the blame of my fucked up emotions on myself because that is all my fault and no one else’s. No need blaming someone else for my crappy decisions. The only question both of us have now is where do we go? What happens from here? Do we act like the two weeks never happened? I think I can do that. Actually, I know I can. I’m learning to be in control and putting my foot down. I don’t want to date and I will not date.

You guys heard it first. One year challenge here we come.


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