There are always at least two paths to take. For example, you can take the left or the right. Which would you chose? Most of the people I know would ask well what’s down each of the paths? Then there are the ones that simply say which they are going to take. These are the people who blindly follow their heart and gut. They follow what their inner self is telling them they need to do. This is not a bad thing. Following your gut is the best way to go.
If you are like me, you have no idea what your gut is telling you so you have to know what is going on on these paths. I never knew or even understood what I truly wanted. I still don’t fully don’t, but I’m becoming more aware. For a long time, I was fooling myself and lying to myself. I made myself believe I wanted things that I didn’t. I self-sabotaged every part of my life. I lied to my best friend about dumb things because I knew it would upset her and ruin our friendship. I would get with the wrong type of people, the ones who I knew wouldn’t be in a long relationship with me. Self-sabotage was the safest way for me to live. It was easier then really living. If I knew it wasn’t going to go right, then it was all good. It made things hurt less. Just doing that felt like I wasn’t really living. I didn’t follow any path I just floated around to whatever pulled me, even if it all felt wrong to me.
I remember the exact moment I decided to turn my life around. At first, it was just an inner wish that I tried to fill with reading. ONe night I decided to fully achieve what I wanted and tried to figure out truly who I was. I was talking to my best friend that I mentioned earlier. We were talking about how she figured out how she wanted to be. She hated the things she was doing and she was destroying her marriage. She decided to turn her self around and to become the person she is now. In that conversation I figured out that I needed to change things. Even though I’m on medication for depression I still wasn’t happy. I needed to find my inner happiness. That’s what I’m trying to do.
I’m listening and reading a lot of self-help books and trying to expand my spirituality and listen to myself instead of my influencing world. Step one: speak my feelings. Before I could beginning speaking them, I had to find them. I had to figure out what I truly wanted. It took a lot of thinking and self evaluation. I hated my job as an assistant manager because of my boss, not because I hated being one. I knew he was part of the problem, but I didn’t know how much he was. I also wanted to be friends with everyone at work. It was destroying how I needed to be at work. I needed to be the boss and not play favorites and be passive to certain people. My job is one of the things I am most proud of. I am twenty and an assistant manager. I want to be a general manager before I graduate college. It is my dream that I have busted my ass to achieve and go for.
Deciding to come back full time and to grow in the company was the path I needed. I like my other job as well. I enjoy being a server. I need a steady paycheck to get a new car and to move out once more. This time I want to live on my own. I am finally comfortable with being alone and on my own. I don’t need someone around all the time. I can do it. I need to do it. I appreciate Angela and Steve more than anything for opening my eyes and see what I needed to do.
I am not moving out because some conflict happened or because I don’t living with them. I love living with them. I love helping with the horses. I never thought I would enjoy it, but I like the physical labor and the mental labor as well. They irritate me sometimes, don’t get me wrong. That is more on a “I can only handle so much people time with the same people” level than a “them” level.
Last night instead of safely taking a right, I took a left. I went left down the path that had the most risks, the one that took me out of my comfort zone. I went on a date with one of my exes. Previous to this we hung out and went on a drive. We talked like we were super close friends. I talked to him about Washington Boy and he talked to me about hooking up with one of old coworkers. It wasn’t painful though. We also discussed the fact that we both still have feelings for the other one.
I’m okay if he doesn’t talk to me today, or ever again. It does sting, I’m not going to lie. I will heal. Doing that was for the better, things were weird, but comfortable. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I would’ve told him I couldn’t go and gone right.