An Open Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I hated you for such a long time. I hated you for manipulating me into hating my father and thinking he was this abusive person, my father is not. You never had bruses and he never emotionally abused you. You made it up to look like a victim. You were not a victim. Katie and I became the victims. We were the ones getting hurt by your decisions. I hated you for taking us away from our home. I hated you for lying to me about cheating on Dad. I hated that you lied when I caught you.

You changed me into someone who was weak and who didn’t believe she was worth anything to anyone. That my life was pointless. I hated you for the time you called me mean names for telling your family what you have done. I was always a liar even when I wasn’t. I became a habitual liar because I would get in trouble for the truth. I would get in trouble for how I felt and how you made me feel.

Most of all, I hated you for bringing them into this world. I used to hate them so much. Their birth meant that you and Dad would never get back together. I hated having to take care of children who weren’t mine when you were fully capable. Justin worked too much to help out a lot and Katie didn’t want to take care of kids who aren’t hers. I couldn’t not take care of them. They wouldn’t have made it. I love my little siblings so much.

Now, after leaving you I don’t hate you. You did some f*cked up sh*t to us, but I don’t hate you. You made me grow. I now have a place in my heart that is filled with so much love and happiness because of little Morgan. It’s also filled with so much pain from not seeing her and little Jes.

Katie and I left you to live with Dad. I left because I was scared. I was so scared that I wasn’t going to live a long time. I couldn’t see a future of any kind. The only future I saw was myself being six feet under because I gave up. I would have given up because the world was too heavy all time. The medication never helped, all I wanted was to talk to someone who wouldn’t get mad at me for how I felt.

That pain makes me move further and harder everyday. I know the signs of when things get bad for me and I try to catch them before and make things okay. I try to make my life better. I can’t cause harm to someone like you did to us. I know how not to treat my children because of you. And for that I thank you.

Love,

Me

 

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