1, 2 something’s gotta give.

Let’s be honest, being twenty is hard. You’re at that stage in your life where you need to start making those huge decisions, like to move in with your boyfriend, to move out, to get a job and go to college. The battle for me right now is juggling full time work as a Restaurant General Manager and a part-time student. I work 50 plus hours a week and I get up at 3 or 4am to be at work. I go to school two days a week, I know it’s not a lot. I battle depression, and trying to find the motivation to actually attend my classes is hard. I have the motivation for work all day long. I never felt like calling off just because, I love my job. I worked hard for my position. I know I need to graduate to get a better job, but where’s the motivation.

See, in our generation we want instant gratification. We want that instant reward, whenever we can get it. We want that instant response to a text, email, even to our own actions. What’s my reward for getting up early, being on time and working my butt off? A paycheck in two-weeks with my nice promotion raise. That 2013 car sitting outside that I’m paying for that isn’t a shit-box. For school, nothing, I’ve got nothing.

Juggling life, work and school is hard something has to give. In my life, what gave was my life. I didn’t have many that would support me with school and help with the motivation. I walked away from them. I can juggle school in the mix if I actually had the motivation. I sit and chill-out with my laptop goofing off during that exact time I should be in school. It’s not like I’m picking socializing or anything over it. But I am picking me. Giving myself the alone time and down time I want. Having that “me” time is important. I was so keen on finding myself, when I got close I lost all interest. New scares me, so I pushed away.

Something always gives at some point. The balance is hard to find, but necessary. I gave up sleep to be with my boyfriend and I was cranky and napping more. Everything slipped for that week. It’s taken so long, but I’ve finally learned my signs of self-destruction and can stop it.

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