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1, 2 something’s gotta give.

Let’s be honest, being twenty is hard. You’re at that stage in your life where you need to start making those huge decisions, like to move in with your boyfriend, to move out, to get a job and go to college. The battle for me right now is juggling full time work as a Restaurant General Manager and a part-time student. I work 50 plus hours a week and I get up at 3 or 4am to be at work. I go to school two days a week, I know it’s not a lot. I battle depression, and trying to find the motivation to actually attend my classes is hard. I have the motivation for work all day long. I never felt like calling off just because, I love my job. I worked hard for my position. I know I need to graduate to get a better job, but where’s the motivation.

See, in our generation we want instant gratification. We want that instant reward, whenever we can get it. We want that instant response to a text, email, even to our own actions. What’s my reward for getting up early, being on time and working my butt off? A paycheck in two-weeks with my nice promotion raise. That 2013 car sitting outside that I’m paying for that isn’t a shit-box. For school, nothing, I’ve got nothing.

Juggling life, work and school is hard something has to give. In my life, what gave was my life. I didn’t have many that would support me with school and help with the motivation. I walked away from them. I can juggle school in the mix if I actually had the motivation. I sit and chill-out with my laptop goofing off during that exact time I should be in school. It’s not like I’m picking socializing or anything over it. But I am picking me. Giving myself the alone time and down time I want. Having that “me” time is important. I was so keen on finding myself, when I got close I lost all interest. New scares me, so I pushed away.

Something always gives at some point. The balance is hard to find, but necessary. I gave up sleep to be with my boyfriend and I was cranky and napping more. Everything slipped for that week. It’s taken so long, but I’ve finally learned my signs of self-destruction and can stop it.

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An Open Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I hated you for such a long time. I hated you for manipulating me into hating my father and thinking he was this abusive person, my father is not. You never had bruses and he never emotionally abused you. You made it up to look like a victim. You were not a victim. Katie and I became the victims. We were the ones getting hurt by your decisions. I hated you for taking us away from our home. I hated you for lying to me about cheating on Dad. I hated that you lied when I caught you.

You changed me into someone who was weak and who didn’t believe she was worth anything to anyone. That my life was pointless. I hated you for the time you called me mean names for telling your family what you have done. I was always a liar even when I wasn’t. I became a habitual liar because I would get in trouble for the truth. I would get in trouble for how I felt and how you made me feel.

Most of all, I hated you for bringing them into this world. I used to hate them so much. Their birth meant that you and Dad would never get back together. I hated having to take care of children who weren’t mine when you were fully capable. Justin worked too much to help out a lot and Katie didn’t want to take care of kids who aren’t hers. I couldn’t not take care of them. They wouldn’t have made it. I love my little siblings so much.

Now, after leaving you I don’t hate you. You did some f*cked up sh*t to us, but I don’t hate you. You made me grow. I now have a place in my heart that is filled with so much love and happiness because of little Morgan. It’s also filled with so much pain from not seeing her and little Jes.

Katie and I left you to live with Dad. I left because I was scared. I was so scared that I wasn’t going to live a long time. I couldn’t see a future of any kind. The only future I saw was myself being six feet under because I gave up. I would have given up because the world was too heavy all time. The medication never helped, all I wanted was to talk to someone who wouldn’t get mad at me for how I felt.

That pain makes me move further and harder everyday. I know the signs of when things get bad for me and I try to catch them before and make things okay. I try to make my life better. I can’t cause harm to someone like you did to us. I know how not to treat my children because of you. And for that I thank you.

Love,

Me

 

Which path do you take?

There are always at least two paths to take. For example, you can take the left or the right. Which would you chose? Most of the people I know would ask well what’s down each of the paths? Then there are the ones that simply say which they are going to take. These are the people who blindly follow their heart and gut. They follow what their inner self is telling them they need to do. This is not a bad thing. Following your gut is the best way to go.

If you are like me, you have no idea what your gut is telling you so you have to know what is going on on these paths. I never knew or even understood what I truly wanted. I still don’t fully don’t, but I’m becoming more aware. For a long time, I was fooling myself and lying to myself. I made myself believe I wanted things that I didn’t. I self-sabotaged every part of my life. I lied to my best friend about dumb things because I knew it would upset her and ruin our friendship. I would get with the wrong type of people, the ones who I knew wouldn’t be in a long relationship with me. Self-sabotage was the safest way for me to live. It was easier then really living. If I knew it wasn’t going to go right, then it was all good. It made things hurt less. Just doing that felt like I wasn’t really living. I didn’t follow any path I just floated around to whatever pulled me, even if it all felt wrong to me.

I remember the exact moment I decided to turn my life around. At first, it was just an inner wish that I tried to fill with reading. ONe night I decided to fully achieve what I wanted and tried to figure out truly who I was. I was talking to my best friend that I mentioned earlier. We were talking about how she figured out how she wanted to be. She hated the things she was doing and she was destroying her marriage. She decided to turn her self around and to become the person she is now. In that conversation I figured out that I needed to change things. Even though I’m on medication for depression I still wasn’t happy. I needed to find my inner happiness. That’s what I’m trying to do.

I’m listening and reading a lot of self-help books and trying to expand my spirituality and listen to myself instead of my influencing world. Step one: speak my feelings. Before I could beginning speaking them, I had to find them. I had to figure out what I truly wanted. It took a lot of thinking and self evaluation. I hated my job as an assistant manager because of my boss, not because I hated being one. I knew he was part of the problem, but I didn’t know how much he was. I also wanted to be friends with everyone at work. It was destroying how I needed to be at work. I needed to be the boss and not play favorites and be passive to certain people. My job is one of the things I am most proud of. I am twenty and an assistant manager. I want to be a general manager before I graduate college. It is my dream that I have busted my ass to achieve and go for.

Deciding to come back full time and to grow in the company was the path I needed. I like my other job as well. I enjoy being a server. I need a steady paycheck to get a new car and to move out once more. This time I want to live on my own. I am finally comfortable with being alone and on my own. I don’t need someone around all the time. I can do it. I need to do it. I appreciate Angela and Steve more than anything for opening my eyes and see what I needed to do.

I am not moving out because some conflict happened or because I don’t living with them. I love living with them. I love helping with the horses. I never thought I would enjoy it, but I like the physical labor and the mental labor as well. They irritate me sometimes, don’t get me wrong. That is more on a “I can only handle so much people time with the same people” level than a “them” level.

Last night instead of safely taking a right, I took a left. I went left down the path that had the most risks, the one that took me out of my comfort zone. I went on a date with one of my exes. Previous to this we hung out and went on a drive. We talked like we were super close friends. I talked to him about Washington Boy and he talked to me about hooking up with one of old coworkers. It wasn’t painful though. We also discussed the fact that we both still have feelings for the other one.

I’m okay if he doesn’t talk to me today, or ever again. It does sting, I’m not going to lie. I will heal. Doing that was for the better, things were weird, but comfortable. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I would’ve told him I couldn’t go and gone right.

Man Manual

Someone please explain to me that logic behind him. I swear he was ignoring me, I thought we were going back through our cycle. Sad thing, we have a cycle. Washington Boy is so confusing. I thought I upset him because he stopped talking to me. He told me he had no reason to not want to see me when he comes home again. I told him he does. I told him that he if he found someone else to fool around with he would have a reason. He didn’t talk to me after that. The next day I apologized and told him I was trying to just be realistic in case something did end up happening. It is way to make things a bit easier. Thinking of how replaceable I am makes it easier. His response was okay. I’m actually okay with that because it’s a response. I don’t care much about the fact that it wasn’t really a response, but it was something.

He kept saying he missed me and that he wanted to cuddle with me before I upset him. I don’t know what to do or how to handle that. He told me he basically used me when he was here. He said he knew I would get attached. Why? Why did he see me? Why did he let it go the way it was? Because he wanted to see me. That was the only answer I got. I didn’t exactly want another one. It’s easier to think my feelings belong to a one way street. Honestly, that’s not hard to think. He told me he doesn’t have feelings, the more I know him the more I agree.

For a day, this guy doesn’t talk to me. I accidently snapchat him something for something else that night/the next morning. Oops. I uninstalled my snapchat. I needed a break. I needed to stop freaking out whether or not he was actually going to me. Honestly, I never thought he would. I thought this would be where it stopped for real this time. No more flirting, nothing. I was okay with that. Well, not really, but I didn’t try to dwell on it or make it better. I did well compared to last time.

This morning I had work at 1130. I got up at my normal time of 0800. Sometime between 1000 and 1100 I redownloaded snapchat. I was just curious, I should’ve let it go. He actually talked to me. Okay, well he only said streak. 51 days, whoop… I was shocked, more like weirded out. I responded saying streak. I had no clue what else to say. Nothing. He said something about the emoji and I said it meant two months of bffs. I turned my phone off after that and went to work. He did respond at some point and said that he was waiting for it. Maybe that means that he was waiting for the two months and then end the streak. Don’t know, don’t think I will ever know. I have no idea what he means or wants anymore.

Emotional Mess

I am currently sitting in a Tim Horton’s. I am trying to write a recap of 2016, but it’s just not working like that. All I can think about is my conversation last night. Now, I know what you’re thinking here we ago with a boy. Trust me, I think I am finally done with it. I got the answers I wanted last night. Not exactly the ones I wanted, but the ones I needed. They were the ones I kept ignoring and pretending that they weren’t my doing.

I talked to Washington Boy about his time here. We just talked and it was nice. I hate him so much. I hate that he tries to break my walls, but doesn’t want to be apart of it. I can tell he cares, or at least in my head he does. You have to remember that I am a crazy emotional girl who never actually accepts her feelings.

We talked about the fact that we really shouldn’t have seen each other when he was here. We both knew shit would get messy, but neither of us cared. I contemplated just ignoring him and not seeing him. The issue with that was I couldn’t handle the thought of him being only an hour away and not across the country. I think that might have been worse, but better in the long term. We both knew I would get attached. He didn’t know it was already too late for that. I was attached and any outcome would have sucked.

Washington Boy admitted that he took advantage of the fact that I wanted more. I am not upset with him at all because I knew that is what was going to happen. I didn’t care. I never care about my mental health. I let him use me. That’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I should have had more self control and more sense. He told me to not put the blame on myself. I’m putting the blame of my fucked up emotions on myself because that is all my fault and no one else’s. No need blaming someone else for my crappy decisions. The only question both of us have now is where do we go? What happens from here? Do we act like the two weeks never happened? I think I can do that. Actually, I know I can. I’m learning to be in control and putting my foot down. I don’t want to date and I will not date.

You guys heard it first. One year challenge here we come.

No Sleep and a Full Heart

Happy New Year everyone! I am writing this on one hour of sleep, six shots of espresso and no brain filter. I spent my night in a whirl pool of emotions. I got to spend my New Years Eve with Washington Boy. I drank, but not like last time. I didn’t get sick. Parts of the night I wish I was wasted and just out of it, but I couldn’t do that. Don’t even ask me why not because I have no God damn clue.

The night was fine. It was a group of his friends and I knew some of them from high school. They didn’t exactly remember me because I wasn’t a social bug in high school. I knew people and could recognize them, but most of them didn’t know me. Some of the people that do remember me I’m extremely shocked. For awhile, things were fine I was having fun, until the box game. You take a pizza box and flip a coin. I don’t really know the exact rules so you might just want to google it. He landed on one when he had to tell about a sexual encounter. It was a story that I had heard before and it didn’t bother me.

His best friend’s girlfriend is best friends with one of Washington Boy’s exes. I was sitting on his lap and was talking  about her. He escalated to talking about many of his exes. I was on his lap. Someone please tell me how much sense that actually makes. A little before this one of his friends asked when did him and I started. He told her it was a premeditated thing before he came home and that since he lives in Washington we are only a thing when he is home. Fine. I just wish I wasn’t told that in front of other people and drunk. That would have been nice, but it is what it is. I knew that it was going to go about like that.

Before the ball dropped at midnight he kept making comments about right after it drops to go have sex. It wasn’t right after, more like an hour, but we went up and had sex. Afterwards, that was the worse. He was still drunk and he just played on his phone. He made me feel like I wasn’t there. I told him I couldn’t sleep and he knew I was basically just laying there.

I learned that night, that for me starting to sober up is the worse. I was getting emotional and couldn’t completely control my facial reactions and such. That’s what happened when I was laying there. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut, my thoughts to myself, and to not cry. Not crying was the worse. It was my last night with him and he didn’t exactly care. I understand now that I was being dumb, but it still hurt. He ate more, and drank water and we slept together again. After that, when he sobered up things were fine. He spent time with me. We chatted together and it was nice. I didn’t want to go to sleep, but I had to. I had work at 0600 and had to be up at 0500.

I did not want these two weeks to end. At the end of them, I knew that it might be the end of whatever was going on between the two of us. As it sits now, on January 1, 2017 at 2144 it’s looking that way. I snapchatted him before he was getting on the plan and ask how he was since I hadn’t really talked to him. He opened it two hours ago. We are not in a relationship so I should not be worrying about this, but I am. I got emotionally attached to him like a dumbass.

Before he even came home, I was already attached to him. Sadlym seeing him didn’t make it worse because it was already like this. He’s going back to Washington and I’m here in Ohio. That is probably how this story will end. Right here, right now, tonight. The beginning of one thing is also the end of another. The beginning of the new year might be the end of whatever was going on between the two of us. No worries, these wounds will heal if they even get that far. This is a part of life and I am still only a child. I am reminded that almost every single day.

Codenamed life

I use codenames when I talk about people, even in real life. I talk about so many people I feel like it’s easier to remember them instead of their names. Like so and so is related to this event so their code name is a phrase for that event. Here are the ones I use on a regular basis:

Washington Boy: Guy I went to high school with who’s in the military. He’s stationed out in Washington.

Baker: Girl I’m friends with who is my baker. She is a very spiritual person in my life.

Motorcycle Mechanic: Guy I had a fling with. He was my best friend/roommate’s mechanic. He was on the run from the cops when I met him and he used to be a dope boy.

Country Boy: A friend of my best friend’s friend. My best friend set me up on a date with him so I could see how a guy should really treat me.

Dipshit: Ex-roommate and ex-best friend. We were really close and after I moved out my names were still on some bills that he never paid.

Truck guy: Guy I went on a date with and it ended badly. Not fully comfortable explaining that full story.

First: my ex and my first (obviously). Started dating when I was in high school he was ten years older than me. I had more of a head on my shoulders than he did. Overall a toxic relationship.

Psycho: My mother.

Booty Call: Older brother of one of my other best friend’s and the guy I sleep with when I’m not in a relationship and don’t want to go sleeping around.

Ten: My younger sister.

Tim’s Truck Guy: Guy who delivers the truck orders to Tim Horton’s and had a thing for me. He’s kinda crazy for being as old as he is.

Kuce: Ex that I worked with at Tim Horton’s. I didn’t date him while I worked with him.

Old Baker: My baker at a different Tim Horton’s. We used to be friends until I found out he was lying about some pretty serious stuff. Like illegal things.

 

Fearful Days

I don’t always know what I want to say, in all honesty I just start typing and go from there. I use this as a journal because none of you know me and hopefully none of you really will because somethings I don’t exactly share, but I want to. It makes it easier sharing to people who I think are imaginary. That’s why I talk to my dog all the time.

Washington Boy wants me to not have a filter on around him and just be comfortable. I don’t know how to do that. With everyone, and I do mean everyone, I keep it on. I always watch myself to make sure I keep my crazy head in check. Somethings I say and think aren’t exactly the best to say outloud. That comes from the fact the I am so self-conscious and have low self-worth. It is just habit to not be me. I’m me, but just a safer version of me.

I want to not filter what I say around him, but I don’t like how insecure I am. I am trying to change that and he’s helping that. At first, I thought he might be hiding me a little, but now I know he’s not. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. I get that’s the whole purpose of life is not knowing, but I just want to know where I stand with him. I want to know where exactly we are at. I know it’s not where I want us to be. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to ask him because it might crash my false reality.

My roommate is asking me to not make this a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I don’t think that will happen. We live across the country from each other and we are both scared. We are downright scared. We are worried that the other one is going to cheat because of the distance. I’ve known a lot of military people that have cheated or have been cheated on. It’s a thing we are scared of.

One Year Maybe Challenge

I have read many blog posts about a year without dating. You don’t date, flirt, have sex any of it. It is supposed to help you get more in touch with yourself, your wants, needs and any spiritual deity you have (mainly god, but I don’t fully believe in him). I want to use it to help me build self-worth because I have really low self-worth. Okay, I have almost no self-worth.

I might try to do it once Washington Boy goes back to Washington. I want to spend time with him when he’s here. Plus, I don’t think it’s going anywhere after he leaves. The outcomes could either be: we stop talking completely, we try to do a relationship or we are just friends and that’s it. I think the latter will happen, but what do I know, I am not a fortune teller.

I do know, however, that I need to figure out myself and what I want. I have always put myself into bad relationships because I thought that was all I ever deserved, I still think that sometimes. I have always thought that my life has meant less than everyone else’s even though I knew that wasn’t the case all the time. It put me in a situation where I was sexually assaulted.

I didn’t know that’s exactly what it was until someone told me that is what it was. It wasn’t like I got raped, just my right to say no was taken away from me.

I need to figure myself out. I need to fix some of my emotional defects without doing it harmfully and relying on other things to fix them for me. That doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I would know this because it has only dug me into some deeper holes or put a bandage over a huge crack in a dam.

Child In Charge

I am 20 and I am the assistant manager at a tim Hortons  my manager is older than me and got hired on off the streets to be my manager. I had an issue at first but I started to look past it and just work together.

He went on vacation and I was left in charge. I was a raging bitch. I don’t do well when people ignore me or don’t do their jobs. I fired two people. he came back and got mad at me.

I had this minors mother call me at 1030 pm yell at me, call me racist and threaten me. all because I told her daughter, again, that she needed to make sure requests off days she has plans and how calling off works. my manager did nothing about this.

I went down to two days so I can get a new job and quit. I am still a raging bitch. I get in trouble because I’m overreacting. Of course I am when no one gets in trouble for anything. he doesn’t ever say anything to my face though. he tells everyone else, but tells me how much he needs me. Why? I am doing your job and stepping up, why won’t you take my help when I was taking yours.